Aging has changed me, in
many ways, mostly for the good. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have been
reflecting lately on some of the changes that have come on me, more or less
unbidden, as I have matured. I am always amazed by the recognition that many of
the changes that have made my life happier, seem to have come about naturally,
they just happened as I got older. It seems to me, that Life has built into the
aging process some wonderful new capacities that make my life so much richer,
with meaning, relationship and overall connection.
Anyway, yesterday I
identified another aspect of the most surprising twist in my path. I want to
share my reflections upon this big change, not because I think you should try
to emulate it, but because I wonder if this is a general part of the ageing
process, or just mine?
I noticed a time when I
started to talk to myself differently. This happened before I began to realize
I was getting older, and starting to enter the final phase of this life. I had
already been confined to the wheelchair, and one day instead of getting mad at
myself for having such a problem getting dressed, I started to feel compassion
for this poor man who was trying so courageously to survive. I began to think
about what an effort he was putting forward. And, I noticed I cared. Then I
started to regard his efforts with more respect and gratitude. He (I) became
someone who’s bravery touched me. For that reason I began to speak with myself
in a more kindly way. Somehow, I have entered my latter years with a profound
appreciation of all I’ve had to go through, just to be around.
I became fully Lucky just
after that. What impresses me, besides the overall attitude change that came
over me, was that I also stopped thinking of myself as inadequate. I didn’t do
this deliberately. The circumstances of my life hadn’t changed so much, that I couldn’t make a plausible argument for
my on-going inadequacy, but I no longer went down that old rabbit-hole. I had
aged, without knowing, out of it.
Along with this massive
change in my self-image, came greater acceptance. I also stopped thinking about
my own growth and maturity as a necessity, which revealed my inadequacy, and
began to view these changes as opportunities. I began to see myself as part of
Creation; I was moving forward, not only for my own sake, but because that was
how Life proceeded. As I worked to perfect myself, I was also polishing the
glow of existence.
A big piece of this alteration,
was for me, a shift away, from thinking poorly of myself, always believing the
worst, feeling something was wrong with me, to seeing my evolving self in a new
light. I went beyond my old habit of doubting myself. The way I described my self to me changed.
Instead of the old familiar deficits, which always made me self-conscious and
sure of my inferiority, I saw possibilities. The world, and my inner life, were
both transformed. I became excited by what had formerly been my deficits. I was
alive in whole new way.
Deficit-thinking has ruled
my life. I have always gotten (from myself) the short end of the stick. And
now, just now, in this phase of my life, I’m beginning to see that this way of
seeing myself was contaminating everything I touched. The easy part has been
seeing this change, and coming to terms with the fact that this change has been
Life’s doing, not mine. The hard part, is looking at the wake of damage that
followed me around. I hurt myself, and I hurt anyone who cared about me.
I had gotten so used to it,
that it became (for me) entirely natural. I was inadequate, and it showed
wherever I was. I learned, I could fool others, for awhile, but not myself. So,
having this belief become something else; has been a big, unexpected deal. Life
saw fit to dispose of this false belief, this toxic, compassionless,
self-image, and I am more than better off because of it.
A week or so ago, I had an
opportunity to facilitate a consciousness-raising experience for some older
folks. I asked people to consider and share how they would be, if they were
more mature. A lot of honesty came forth. The experience was quite gratifying
from that point of view. Along with being touched by the sharing of others, I
was struck by how many people talked about what they saw as deficits in their
being. This grieved me, because it struck so close to home, and because I know
those people, and I have no reason to think any of them are immature, and less
than exquisite. Alas, that wasn’t the assumption that I heard.
So, this raises the question
for me, is going beyond deficit-thinking a gift of old age in general, or is it
just a personal blessing? What do you think? I am of the opinion that it is
going to be hard for me to do the world any good, if this attitude about myself
doesn’t subside. I’m grateful it has. I’m grateful that Life seems to have
planned for this contingency. Maybe, I truly am Lucky, and ageing has meant
forgetting what a schlemiel I can be. I’d like to think that it isn’t
productive, for Life, to have me believing it capable of making such a mistake.
But, how about you, what role (if any) does deficit-thinking play in your life?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com
(2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com (2014 on)
To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com
To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of
Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net
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