Between by Lucky

Deepening the Wonder

Death is a favor to us,

but our scales have lost their balance.

The impermanence of the body

Should give us great clarity,

Deepening the wonder in our senses and eyes

Of this mysterious existence we share

And are surely just traveling through.

If I were in the Tavern tonight,

Hafiz would call for drinks

And as the Master poured, I would be reminded

That all I know of life and of myself is that

We are just a midair flight of golden wine

Between His Pitcher and His Cup.

If I were in the Tavern tonight

I would buy freely for everyone in this world

Because our marriage with the cruel beauty

Of time and space cannot endure very long.

Death is a favor to us,

but our minds have lost their balance.

The miraculous existence and impermanence of

            Form

Always makes the illumined ones

            Laugh and sing.

                                    --Hafiz

Between Birth and Death lie the provinces of Life. But what if, between Death and Birth, there lay other provinces of Life? What if, Life incorporated it all? Then Death might in fact be a favor to us. As the poet Wendell Berry says Death might bring a “solving justice.”

Death, in our culture is not considered an ally. It just seems to rob us of a chance to go on doing what we are doing (sometimes, rather messily). But, Death actually puts people out of their misery. I don’t mean we are all miserable. But, rather, that there seems to be something about these provinces of Life, that are hard, stressful, full of tension and uncertainty. All of it makes being human hard and humbling. The lack of a Death that serves any useful, good purpose leaves too many of us dreading it. And, to too many, it is a sign of failure, or of something being wrong.

But, what if, instead, something is right? Death may be, like the mystic poem suggests, a favor to us. No one knows for sure, but it certainly is telling, that we have come around to convincing our selves how bad and scary this mystery is. Death seems to be a reflection of our rather skewed imagination. Perhaps, it is a phenomenon that does what we cannot — that is, stop. Life is so frenetic. Death is the final resting place.

I’m tired too. Getting older seems to take a lot of energy. But, Death doesn’t seem so frightening anymore, actually, I kind of look forward to it. I’m not exactly eager for it, but I am re-assured that it is inevitable. I like the idea of “solving justice,” and peace, and I don’t see any other path that seems to lead in that direction. As I grey and wither, I wonder about many things, and I find myself returning to the compassionate nature of Life, that in every case, it includes an inevitable death.

A friend of mine recently said, “Death enables evolution to happen.” We were conjecturing upon the possibility that existence, in the human sense, might be the only place where learning and evolution takes place. What if, we speculated, Death actually is pretty easy, and that the difficulty of Life is the only place where souls can advance, learn, and serve as evolutionary agents? Then living, especially a life that required some creativity, would be such a privilege, a challenging opportunity. Maybe the time in between is so easy and effortless that it doesn’t serve the growth of consciousness, the expansion of the Universe and Creation.

I think that Death in the words of George Bush, has been “misunderestimated.” To me, it seems very likely that Death is a gift to us. A spiritual passageway where the ego dies and the actual seed of our personal uniqueness passes on, into another, larger ecology. I suspect that the drama of Life there, in that existence, will be even more compelling, than the one which prepared us. Life goes on. And what lives in the cracks, between Death and Birth? That is the real question.

I believe, between Death and Birth lay other provinces of Life.

Unknowing II by Lucky

I’ve written elsewhere about what I call “unknown wisdom” (see The Age of Actualization pgs. 172 thru 176). But here, I want to concentrate upon the particular set of traits, that many old folks have (without even knowing it), that add-up to a generative relationship with the unknown. You see, for far too long, the nature of ageism, has obscured, even to old folks, the value of the advent of ‘not knowing’ in the elder population.

There is a stage of awareness that extends beyond conventional forms of consciousness. This is something rarely noted in our usual social discourse. Developmental scientists, and gerontologists, are just beginning to notice. I call this form of maturity,  non-conventional consciousness. What that means is that some old folks have a particular savvy and creative way of looking at things, but they have been misperceived and silenced by well-meaning others. Our society has lost, like all societies that don’t value their elders, a great deal, in terms of perspective, but particularly, in terms of a more positive attitude towards the unknown future.

Not knowing sets in, when the aged begin to realize that what they know is insufficient to address this miraculous world. Some old people actually go beyond the ideologies of the day, partly because of how alone and isolated they are, and partly because their experiences, particularly of hardship, have introduced them to the unreality of our socially-constructed reality. These few are literally in the world we all occupy, but not of it.  They see vividly what most of us are only dimly aware of.  The unknown, perhaps because they are facing death, is particularly on their radar screen. It turns out, that in latter life, at least for some people, Life is more like being in wonderland, than many of us suspect.

The ability to find comfort in not knowing is not dementia, or even Alzheimer’s, but a particularly humble way of being fully alive and present. By in large, to we confined in the conventional agreed upon world, this mode of perception looks too eccentric, and crazy. And, by seeing it that way, we tend not to see the real value it holds for our species evolution. The unknown comes knocking every day, and we want to treat it like yesterday’s visitor, because that offers us reassurance, and because we want to fit in. The old, by and large, are well beyond those concerns. So they see the stranger for what it is, and tend to welcome the unknown into their lives.

Freedom from the constraints of normality, sometimes results in the realization of those freed, that normality is only a preparatory stage. When this happens, there are those who are willing to take full responsibility for themselves, and are available to see the world in its naked, unknown, glory.  To them, the unknown is a curious phenomenon, full of possibility; a potential relative, the ultimate resort and the best resting place, because it offers a fresh new beginning. The unknown paradoxically looks full compared with dimming emptiness of the past.

There is a kind of creativity that is available to the experienced mind, the one that’s been around the block a few times, that is unique and incredibly informative. Not only is known wisdom more solidly rooted in such an experience, but unknown wisdom, the kind that is needed to face a future that is different than the past, is also more likely.

There is nothing like falling through the cracks to alert one to what is missing. Old folks, especially in cultures that are indifferent to the possibilities inherent in aging, have to find their own way, and in so doing, develop some of the very survival skills that are most needed. And, being aware of the fecundity of the unknown, and learning to pay attention to it, is one of those skills.

Unknowing is an asset of this species. Our adaptability has waxed and waned as we have related with the unknown. The old are our vanguard. They are the real veterans amongst us, they serve everyday they are alive, and they could make a vital difference in our efforts to survive. Life has programmed some of them to survive for just this kind of moment. The darkness around our kind is deep right now, the known paths have been explored and are exhausted, it is important that some of our veterans be involved, to see what we have done, and to serve best, by staring into the unknown.

The future is by its nature unknown.  So too, are many of the attributes of the age we are now achieving. Old people are discovering what’s possible in that unknown — it’s likely that what they are discovering, is some of our future.

Cosmic Grace by Lucky

I have been slowly and surely trying to integrate what I have been learning, since I started paying attention to this process of aging. It has been enormously gratifying to have discovered, via the literature, and through direct experience with other older people, that there is a lot of benefits that come with aging. It looks like the key words that seem to best describe the pleasures of aging are; integration and actualization.

 Integration refers to the organic process that stimulates recollection, life review and a deepening sense of self. This seems to incorporate a movement toward inner life, and being instead of doing. Actualization has more to do with fulfillment. Elder happiness seems to emanate from fully becoming oneself, feeling connected with the larger movement of the Universe, and basically aligning self, expression, gifts to others, and spiritual pursuits to one’s highest values. All of this, I’ve found, is really good. I think it represents good news, but what I want to write about is the pattern underneath, the greater news of our existence.

I have been harboring these thoughts for some time. Maybe you have been holding your own thoughts just as long. For me, the time is up. What wants to unfold now, has got me in its grips. Aging has brought me here, and now insists that I honor what is unfolding right along with my wrinkling, greying body. I have written, about this era of life, that magnificence creeps in. To my mind, every bit of Life has that attribute, and so does death.

Death is a favor to us. It is fearsome and nerve-wracking, but not because of what we’ve learned from this culture, but because being included in such an all-encompassing liberation is itself awesome. I’ve come to see, through my own life, and through the lives and deaths of others, that death is nothing more than a return to one’s deepest, most divine self. Some may call it a return to the Ground of Being, the Universe, The Great Mystery, Nothingness, or God, but the words don’t really matter, the pattern seems to indicate that one experiences a recall, a transition back/forward into a larger whole.

This is the greater news for which aging is just a prelude. My partner, Alexandra Hart, first started talking to me about something she was feeling rising in her as she got older. She referred to what she called “essentializing.” This, for her, was the process of giving up the superfluous in favor of the more essential. Simplicity was beginning to replace no longer necessary complexity. Her life was becoming more focused. In my sense, she was participating consciously in her own death; in other words, she was ripening, becoming her juicier self.

As time went on, and as we observed and talked about it more, it became apparent to us that some kind of paradox was unfolding within us, and within others we were seeing. We were declining, like many old folks, and we were becoming more. We soon came to refer to this paradoxical movement as “reduction.’’ Xan likes to cook, so we took a metaphor from cooking that captured the complicated advance that occurred, as people, as we, became less. We were being reduced like the ingredients of a good sauce and in the process our essential nature was being drawn out of us, and we were becoming richer, more complex, and flavorful.

Even later as I was reflecting upon death for a piece of writing I was doing, I suddenly realized I had been reduced before. I also realized that in those same moments I had grown closer to my full stature. Parts of me had passed away, died, so that I could become more fully myself. Death began to look like something else to me, something more mysterious and benign than I had been lead to believe. I began to consider old age as a time of honing, of becoming, and death as a time of actualization.

By and large, when I look around, I see a culture that is pretty death-phobic. It makes sense to me, that if people have no way to see the underlying beauty of death, the way it draws out of us what is most essential and idiosyncratic about our nature’s, then this natural part of Life would be fearful. Therefore, I consider it great news, the realization that death may not be more than reduction par excellence!

I am not naïve enough to believe that even shouting this news from the rooftops will convince anyone. That is part of why I wouldn’t utter these words before this. I, probably wasn’t mature enough, to handle a world that went right on fearing death. Today however, I know that change will only follow personal realization. So, I simply invite you to consider your own life, and view the times you have experienced reduction (through broken plans, relationships, careers, deaths, illnesses), and been re-made as more than you were. I would say that through those experiences you died, you went beyond yourself, and became more yourself.

This realization contributes a lot to the happiness of my life. I have died in that way several times already. And, in some mysterious, unplanned way, I have become so much more essentially me. Life re-made me. I’ve done a lot of therapy, become a therapist, done a lot of spiritual practices, joined spiritual communities, and sought out the latest greatest practices to insure that I was living fully, only to find that Life had my back, and was growing me even better than I was growing myself. Death is an installment of grace that I probably would not choose (at least in cultural terms), but Life in its compassion and wisdom has chosen for me. In the end, death is a favor. 

*          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *

For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com (2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com  (2014 on)

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net

Deficit-Thinking by Lucky

Aging has changed me, in many ways, mostly for the good. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have been reflecting lately on some of the changes that have come on me, more or less unbidden, as I have matured. I am always amazed by the recognition that many of the changes that have made my life happier, seem to have come about naturally, they just happened as I got older. It seems to me, that Life has built into the aging process some wonderful new capacities that make my life so much richer, with meaning, relationship and overall connection.

Anyway, yesterday I identified another aspect of the most surprising twist in my path. I want to share my reflections upon this big change, not because I think you should try to emulate it, but because I wonder if this is a general part of the ageing process, or just mine?

I noticed a time when I started to talk to myself differently. This happened before I began to realize I was getting older, and starting to enter the final phase of this life. I had already been confined to the wheelchair, and one day instead of getting mad at myself for having such a problem getting dressed, I started to feel compassion for this poor man who was trying so courageously to survive. I began to think about what an effort he was putting forward. And, I noticed I cared. Then I started to regard his efforts with more respect and gratitude. He (I) became someone who’s bravery touched me. For that reason I began to speak with myself in a more kindly way. Somehow, I have entered my latter years with a profound appreciation of all I’ve had to go through, just to be around.

I became fully Lucky just after that. What impresses me, besides the overall attitude change that came over me, was that I also stopped thinking of myself as inadequate. I didn’t do this deliberately. The circumstances of my life hadn’t changed so much,  that I couldn’t make a plausible argument for my on-going inadequacy, but I no longer went down that old rabbit-hole. I had aged, without knowing, out of it.

Along with this massive change in my self-image, came greater acceptance. I also stopped thinking about my own growth and maturity as a necessity, which revealed my inadequacy, and began to view these changes as opportunities. I began to see myself as part of Creation; I was moving forward, not only for my own sake, but because that was how Life proceeded. As I worked to perfect myself, I was also polishing the glow of existence.

A big piece of this alteration, was for me, a shift away, from thinking poorly of myself, always believing the worst, feeling something was wrong with me, to seeing my evolving self in a new light. I went beyond my old habit of doubting myself.  The way I described my self to me changed. Instead of the old familiar deficits, which always made me self-conscious and sure of my inferiority, I saw possibilities. The world, and my inner life, were both transformed. I became excited by what had formerly been my deficits. I was alive in whole new way.

Deficit-thinking has ruled my life. I have always gotten (from myself) the short end of the stick. And now, just now, in this phase of my life, I’m beginning to see that this way of seeing myself was contaminating everything I touched. The easy part has been seeing this change, and coming to terms with the fact that this change has been Life’s doing, not mine. The hard part, is looking at the wake of damage that followed me around. I hurt myself, and I hurt anyone who cared about me.

I had gotten so used to it, that it became (for me) entirely natural. I was inadequate, and it showed wherever I was. I learned, I could fool others, for awhile, but not myself. So, having this belief become something else; has been a big, unexpected deal. Life saw fit to dispose of this false belief, this toxic, compassionless, self-image, and I am more than better off because of it.

A week or so ago, I had an opportunity to facilitate a consciousness-raising experience for some older folks. I asked people to consider and share how they would be, if they were more mature. A lot of honesty came forth. The experience was quite gratifying from that point of view. Along with being touched by the sharing of others, I was struck by how many people talked about what they saw as deficits in their being. This grieved me, because it struck so close to home, and because I know those people, and I have no reason to think any of them are immature, and less than exquisite. Alas, that wasn’t the assumption that I heard.

So, this raises the question for me, is going beyond deficit-thinking a gift of old age in general, or is it just a personal blessing? What do you think? I am of the opinion that it is going to be hard for me to do the world any good, if this attitude about myself doesn’t subside. I’m grateful it has. I’m grateful that Life seems to have planned for this contingency. Maybe, I truly am Lucky, and ageing has meant forgetting what a schlemiel I can be. I’d like to think that it isn’t productive, for Life, to have me believing it capable of making such a mistake. But, how about you, what role (if any) does deficit-thinking play in your life?

  

*          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *

For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com (2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com  (2014 on)

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net

Adulthood’s End

When I was an adolescent I was heavy into reading science fiction.  One of my favorite books, at that time, was written by Isaac Asimov and entitled Childhood’s End. Now that I think about it, the ending of the book, which I think represented the end of our species childhood, portrayed new humans, a bunch of teenagers, destroying the Earth, and all living things, with what amounted to superpowers. The book ended with them going on into the Universe. I never quite understood then why that book spoke to me, but here I am, years later, recalling how it accompanied my own childhood’s ending.

The idea that I might look at the period of transition that accompanied my move from adulthood into something else came from Dr. Bill Thomas. He called it the end of adulthood, and I picked up on his thought, and added thoughts of my own. Out of that combination comes Adulthood’s End.

For me, adulthood ended dramatically and clearly in a single surge of blood. I had a hemorrhagic stroke that delivered me into a new post-adult world. For me, being so thoroughly disabled, had the same effect as moving me from the world of the productive and efficient, into a slower world. I am not who I used to be. I had to learn a new value system, and a new way of operating, to be able to survive and occupy a very different life. It has been a difficult transition, it took most of 10 years, and it has resulted in me being happier, and more productive in a community way, than I’ve ever been.

I have reason, because of my own bizarre unaided journey, to think much of the same thing is in store for my age-mates. Adulthood, with its many distorted pursuits, lack of time, and role-bound identity, is ending. The freedom to become oneself, to determine for oneself what that means, is finally, and unbelievably, here. To live anew will likely be hard. Adulthood’s end has been portrayed, by our cultural beliefs, to be the end. So, going beyond this place takes unusual courage, and an almost rabid desire to live fully. Culturally, ageism is heavy, but if those shackles and blinders can be broken, then another phase of Life comes into view. And it happens when adulthood ends.

There are many benefits that come with a new, slower life. The life of the elder is full of surprises. Perhaps, the greatest surprise of all; is that this new life isn’t all about decline. That, is a cultural assertion that is just plain inaccurate, reflecting as it does youth-centered ignorance (the way adulthood is defined).

But, this piece is not about the many pleasant surprises that come with ageing, it is rather an attempt to focus attention upon the difficult period when adulthood ends. Human life has (at least) three stages. The one at the end is even more valuable than the one at the beginning. Integration takes place then, and a human being then manifests its full potential. But getting there is now very hard. There really isn’t a meaningful and truly productive finishing school for more-than-adults. There isn’t a term for the potency of this stage, a potency that carries real knowledge of how important and beneficial this period is, for individual and society. Adulthood’s end could be cause for celebration. Retirement parties are sad reminders of the waste that is endemic now. Adulthood’s end marks a new beginning that overflows with meaning, relationship, awareness and spiritual profundity. It is a time of ripening, of fullness, of completion, of wisdom, when possibilities are actualized.

Adulthood never ends in this culture, instead one just drops off the edge of the world, it is supposed that one greys and wrinkles into oblivion. The image of oblivion, that accompanies ageing, reflects the obliviousness that runs rampant in our immature culture.  

Adulthood’s end is difficult to face. As are most of the stage-changes that come with Life, but it is made even more difficult, for some impossible, by our societal unwillingness to face it. Think about that, next time you hear of the anti-aging benefits of some cosmetic. Adulthood’s end can be delayed, even ignored entirely, if the culture as a whole (or sufficiently) is willing to stick its head in the sand.

Bill Thomas talks about the iron law. Each day, no matter what, we wake up a day older than we used to be. There is an inevitability, to the way things are. Time waits for no one. Adulthood ends. The stage beyond it; isn’t all about economic activity, but it has a value that isn’t widely valued today. The transition can be difficult, and is being made more difficult all the time, but it is important to know adulthood ends anyway.

Adulthood’s end just might be the place where a real beginning resides.

*          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *

For more pieces like this, go to www.elderssalon.blogspot.com (2010 thru 2013) and http://www.elderssalon2.blogspot.com  (2014 on)

To hear archived versions of our radio program Growing An Elder Culture go to www.elderculture.com

To read excerpts, or otherwise learn, about Embracing Life: Toward A Psychology of Interdependence go to http://www.davidgoff.net