Freedom

I want to write about freedom. I’ve learned over time that freedom might be one of the most important motivating factors in life. I feel like I need to be careful about this subject. I believe I have learned that one person’s freedom (for instance, mine) may not be someone else’s idea of freedom at all. That makes reflecting out loud (or writing) about freedom a little sticky, a great chance to exercise freedom. I am not an expert on it, except I feel it quite compelling and I find myself dealing with the desire to exercise and feel free all the time. I have reason to believe this isn’t just my personal concern, but something that comes to the foreground again (as it tends to in adolescence) with age. Therefore I’ll proceed, though I know I might do so badly, from other perspectives.

Freedom, for me, seems to add up to the freedom to be myself. Since. I really don’t know what my self is. I need to be free to find out.  Freedom, in that case, isn’t really enshrined in the constitution. Freedom in constitutional terms seems to speak to the freedom of the masses. It applies to me as one of the people, but not to me as a unique soul trying to find a way toward true expression of my authenticity. That is the kind of governed freedom that I enjoy, but it doesn’t go far enough towards social freedom. There is still a little danger out there.

The rights of minorities are protected, that is, if you can prove you are one. You have to be part of some protected class to enjoy that freedom. Until then, you have the rights bequeathed you, as an individual, by the constitution. That makes one, ostensibly a free citizen, but I would argue one still has a lot of stuff to handle before one frees oneself. Being socially free is hard.

Being free of the past is for many people hard enough. Add to that, the desire to be free to just be oneself, and one has added a complex deeper level of freedom aspiration. Freedom then, is a social thing, a desire to be unencumbered by others, which contains another more complex dimension, deeper than simply wanting others out of the way. I think that there is an important dimension of freedom that is an inside job. I have a deep sense that freedom that depends on others, even others of good will, isn’t really free. Therefore, even though I love and benefit by the constitution, I do not think it insures the kind of freedom I find myself desiring.

The freedom I want can only be conferred on me by me. That means, I have to acquire it. And, I can’t really fool myself into believing I have it. I can only convince myself I have this freedom by exercising it. I know I am free, because I keep showing myself I am. Oddly, perhaps paradoxically, I am freer to go along with others when I have convinced myself of my freedom.

This is all quite circular. The freedom to be myself is acquired, by that I mean it’s a product of development and the will to exercise it, but it is mainly a product of inner work. If one is fighting with anything outside, on the behalf of freedom, one is stuck, caught up in need for some outside permission. In this case, one isn’t free.

Freedom is complex, not at all obvious. Maybe, that’s why it seems to be a preoccupation of the elderly. It could be that this issue is so complex that it takes a lifetime. It makes sense to me, that doing the development that it actually takes to free oneself to be oneself, requires time and effort. Most of us haven’t had the time until now, and I’ll bet many of us didn’t have the personal incentive either. As time is running out, one begins to realize that if one is going to become oneself then this kind of freedom is really important.

So, even though I have been a therapist, and a guide for some people’s spiritual development, I have repeatedly looked in the wrong place for freedom. I mistakenly looked outside myself. I relied too much on others, seeking good communication, people willing to go beyond themselves, and even those who appeared to have the right kind of values. It took a long time, but I finally got that all that was beside the point. I alone am responsible for my freedom, and I have work to do to acquire and maintain this level of freedom. In other words, my freedom to be myself isn’t free, it requires me to be doing my inner work.

There isn’t an independence day for this level of accomplishment. There should be, because this is really doing something, it is really being a freedom fighter, it is heroism of the rarest form. Well I guess there is something right about all of those fireworks being internal, not splashy, and sort of calm. This freedom conveys a quiet confidence, which only one who has worked for it within, celebrates. Freedom of this sort is less visible, but one can feel it.

The freedom to be oneself seems justly situated. What I am learning is that it is within each one of us. Grasping it is a matter of personal desire. Who knows what hell (or heaven) one might have to go through to get to it. And, it is apparent not everybody does.  I am dismayed by the number, who thinking freedom is out there, have grown discouraged by not finding it there, and have given up, now thinking that pursuing this kind of freedom is a foolish waste of time. The world can be a grievous place to be free in, as well as a heaven here on Earth.

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