I have learned that
the greatest threat I face is not the actions of others, but my own reactions.
As far as I can see, this is true for many others too. It seems, that when I
have a big emotional reaction to something, generally I’m feeling how much I am
unprepared to deal with that situation, relationship, or feeling. There are
complexities I’m just not, myself, complex enough to handle. Instead, I feel
something reactive, which if I was paying attention to me, I would use to learn
something about me, but usually, I assume the worst, this emotional response
must mean that the other, usually the source of these complexities, must be
deliberate, dangerous and wrong. They, or the situations, are toxic, should be
avoided, and are bad. I have learned that as soon as I diss the other, I am
dissing me.
I am a little amazed
at myself. Even trying to take my reactivity on, is a very brave (or foolish)
act. Here lies one of my greatest weaknesses, and the source of a great deal of
my shame. I hope some of this is true for you, too. Otherwise, I’m just going
to feel like a flawed idiot. Instead of the perfectly imperfect human, I hope I
am.
I have been guilty
most of my life, of assuming my feelings give me an unerring way through the
world. I have learned, through the prevailing cultural distrust of feelings, to
trust them. I made room for my emotions in all of my life equations. The
trouble is that I gave them too exalted a position. I weighted them too
heavily, treating my feelings like they always gave me an accurate readings on
things. I have suffered so much from that little piece of innocent arrogance.
A lifetime of such
mistakes has added up to, with death’s help, a little humility, and a great
deal of humble pie, and gratitude, to a new more realistic perspective. Now, I
can see my emotional reactions are honest, sincere and accurate. They just say
a lot more about me, than reality, or the other. Now, that I’ve learned to read
in them, I see my own responsibility and culpability, I have come to a more
faithful knowledge of myself. My feelings are trustworthy again, it’s just that
now I’ve learned that they paint an accurate picture of me, instead of the
truth of anyone or anything else.
Emotional reactions,
once I oriented myself appropriately, are useful. They are constantly bursting
through my self-delusional thinking, and showing me what I need to know about
me. They are exceptionally grounding. I may not like what they reveal, but I’ve
learned to appreciate the guidance they offer. It is deeply re-assuring to know
there is such a good guidance system built into my being.
But this little
adventure into awareness isn’t really about how constructive emotional
reactions are, but it is about how destructive they can be. They are like the
hungry family dog. Not above manipulation, especially well-aimed intelligent
manipulation, to get fed. Emotional reactions are definitely pointing, just not
toward anything outside. But, if one isn’t careful, one could believe the
honesty they convey, and be thrown off. Emotional reactions are kin to anxiety
and fear, they can help in creating false realities. There is nothing worse
than tilting at windmills that aren’t there. Except maybe, being mistaken for
such a windmill.
I personally don’t
like it when I, or anyone, lets emotional reactions run the show. It’s too much
like living too close to a nuclear meltdown. My life is contaminated with the
spill of really vile components. I’ve been really hard on my environment. God
knows how many relationships I’ve spoiled, all, in the pursuit of something
honorable.
It has taken me a
long time to really grasp my feelings. The journey is strewn with my refuse.
But, I have learned. Thank the Universe! I’ve grown old enough to die with something
under my belt. I’ve learned enough about my own humanity that I can appreciate
the difficulty others may be having with their own nature. The mess I am now,
the lostness and awe I now regularly experience, is just an affirmation of what
a long and strange journey this is. I am happy ageing has given me the
opportunity to grok so deeply.
